Halcyon Repose

Ah the rush of the holidays are finally over. The great thing is that I managed to finish up all my projects at work before leaving for my vacation, and I get back, and everyone is out of the office until after the 2nd. Of course this means a lot of looking for something to do. I would much rather be overrun with problems and running myself frantic all day versus having nothing to do all day. Bleh.

My trip home went exceptionally well. My cousin’s wedding was beautiful, and I’ll hopefully have pictures up this weekend. I always enjoy seeing the family and this holiday was no exception. I rarely get to see the extended family in Georgia and Alabama, so it is always nice to visit with them for awhile. After a couple of days in Newnan, we swung by Alabama to visit my mother’s side of the family, whom I have not seen since I moved to California.

After that it was all the way back to Tennessee. Now that was a relaxing trip. Naps every day, and some chill time with the friends and family. I didn’t get to see everyone in Nashville due to some conflicting schedules, but that is always the case.

After talking with some of my friends back here, and listening to all the family drama they got to go through, it really make me appreciate my family all that much more. We have very little drama in the family (compared to others at least) and it makes them all the more special.

I hate being sick, but normally I can suffer through it. What I can’t stand on the other hand, is having a fever. I never really had fevers when I lived in Tennessee, but for some reason, ever since I moved to California, every time I come down with even the slightest cold, I manage to run a fever along with it. When it comes to having a fever I am a little baby. All I want to do is curl up into a little ball on my bed and cry.

I bring this up because there is currently a nasty little bug running around work. Coughing, headaches, and really really bad fevers. Of course being the lucky guy that I am, I managed to contract this along with everyone else. It was an absolute nightmare, for 3 days of solid fever. Not only was I sick, but my roommate was sick as well. Get up for awhile in the morning, down some Theraflu, sleep for a bit longer, take some Advil, check email, sleep, and when the coughing got to bad to sleep, I got to make some half hearted attempts at game playing. I was wrapped up like a burrito trying to sweat out my fever, and all in all.. I wouldn’t recommend the experience to anyone.

About the only thing that comes close to being that sick, is watching a close friend get sick as well. She started getting sick a bit after me, so after I battled my way out of my fever and was coherent of the world again, I started worrying about her. Psychologically I am a fixer. I see someone who needs help and it breaks my heart faster than anything. So seeing someone else laid out that badly about drove me nuts. There is not a lot you can do for them except comfort them while they wait it out, but yet I feel like there is something more I could do to help. Of course she has plenty of people dropping off the drugs and medications, so all that is left to give is a sympathetic ear, which in it’s own way is a help.. or at least I hope it is.

Ah…

The work Christmas party was a great success. It’s amazing how much the company has grown in the few short years that I have been with them. They gave out the 5 year swords this evening, and for the first time, I actually knew a majority of the people who were receiving them.

I almost missed the ceremony, as I had to cover some classes at the center. Thankfully one of the guys who helps out a lot came to my rescue and bailed me out. I love him for that, especially since he threw out his back recently and can’t fence. I know exactly what it is like to sit there all night knowing that you are unable to fence due to injury. But it was my work party, so I bid him a fond farewell and got the hell out of there.

The party itself was fun. I lost all of my “gambling” money fairly early in the evening at the poker table. I actually lost to pocket aces (with another on the board), so gambling for prize tickets was out. I got to spend the rest of the evening with the my lovely friend, and we hung out in the karaoke room. We ALWAYS have a karaoke room going at the work parties. The reason for this is that some of the higher ups can really belt out the songs. It’s actually a joy to sit and listen to them all, they are all extremly talented.

We finished off the night with a drawing, and of course I won nothing, and then I promtly headed headed home. Of course on the way home the freeway on ramp was closed for construction and trying to get off the freeway the ramp was closed for construction as well. I swear I actually screamed myself horse I was so frustrated. An extra ten minutes later I actually managed to get home.

One side note as I get ready to pass out.. I officially declare that I am in need of a girlfriend. I’ll have to look at fixing that soon.

I finally made it back from today’s tournament. I was placed 16th going into the tournament out of 52. We had lots and lots of new people, which is always good to see. I won all of the bouts my pools (beating a B and a D fencer) and was placed 3rd going into the DEs. But in the round of 16 I drew up this squirelly little punk who had a serious case of the disappearing target area. Actually I can’t complain too much. He played me beautifully. My frist attack he would suck in his stomach so that I would hit him (but not hard enough) and he would get me on the counter attack, and then the next attack when I go deep, he would step in and even though I could catch him on the flank, he would suck and twist preventing me from sinking the hit yet again. So many grazes and yet he cleaned my clock. I find it strange that even though I started out as a purely defensive fencer (parry and riposte) I seem to have gotten to the point that when I start getting flustered I am an all out attacker.. and of course that fell right into his game.

I salute him and I walk away realizing that I still did incredibly well in all my other bouts, I just have to keep fencing and learning and at some point my time will come.

Yes I am indeed still alive. I have been busy, I find that if I am constantly out doing things with others, I tend not to dwell on things and get all moody. Seems to have worked out so far, life is much brighter and happier now.

I finally took the time to get together my Blizzcon photos. There are not as many as I would have liked, but at least I got some of them. I am working on some of the other photos I have lying around as well, hopefully I will get them up at some point too.

Life in general is going good. I have started jogging in the mornings. I am starting off nice and easy. I am only doing a mile a day starting off , but I find I can get excited about doing one mile, while thinking about doing two miles is just tiring. I did extremely well for my yearly review at work last week, which makes me a happy camper. I am still constantly learning at work, and things are still exciting. I can only hope they stay that way for a long time to come.

There is another fencing tournament tomorrow. Recently my fencing has actually been improving (it is amazing what practice actually gets you), so hopefully I will start actually seeing some results in the tournaments themselves.

Regardless it is getting late and I need to get to sleep if I want to actually get up and function tomorrow (I find that I am no longer 16, and that I require a decent nights sleep to actually fence at anything approaching a normal level).

I typically have to choose between visiting the family on Thanksgiving or Christmas. The trip is just too far to make a 2-3 day trip, the flights are too expensive, and I don’t have the vacation to spend a week there every month. I would love more than anything to spend more time with my family, they mean the world to me.

Since this year (as with most years) I will be flying into visit the family on Christmas, I am all by my lonesome for Thanksgiving. The first year I was here in California, my roommate, his girlfriend and I all cooked Thanksgiving dinner, but since then I have mostly glossed over the holiday. It just isn’t the same without loads of food in front of you, and I wasn’t up for cooking loads of food for a very few people (tnot to mention the cost of doing so).

This year, I have a couple of friends, who like myself, are away from their family for the holiday. I have laid my plans and they shall all be converging on my place tomorrow night for some good ol’ holiday cooking. Turkey, stuffing, green bean cassarole, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry salad, pumpkin bread, and pumpkin pie. Between Kenny and myself, we have quite the spread. While I am somewhat annoyed that most of the people who are coming backed out of bringing dishes (grrr), at least they let us know far enough ahead of time to pick up the slack.

I have the pumpkin pie, and cranberry salad all finished and chilling in the fridge. The Turkey is all trussed up and ready to throw into the oven here in about 2 or 3 hours for some slow cooking goodness. Which leaves very little for me to do tomorrow.

I am all excited. Food and friends.. good times.

Music: Flunk – Blind my Mind

The Fenians played at the Harp last night, and a good time was had by all. It was night to get out and have a night of fun and a few pints.

I also went to the Death Cab For Cutie concert last weekend as well. It was a great show, and even though we got there just as the opening band (Stars)was finishing up, we did get to hear a couple of their songs. I picked up their latest album at the concert, and I must say it is was well worth it.

The Fenians played at the Harp last night, and a good time was had by all. It was night to get out and have a night of fun and a few pints.

I also went to the Death Cab For Cutie concert last weekend as well. It was a great show, and even though we got there just as the opening band (Stars)was finishing up, we did get to hear a couple of their songs. I picked up their latest album at the concert, and I must say it is was well worth it.

I have a pimple on my nose and it is all red and blotchy.

Sometimes I think it would be nice if you could just turn of your feelings for someone.

Yay for emo LJ like posts!

Hardly anyone can live in America and not be constantly bombarded with sports figures in the media. In this day and age of Corporate America, people are spending 60+ hours a week at work so that their position doesn’t get outsourced to X third world country. These people turn towards sports for entertainment, and since so many people are willing pay for a short break away from their lives, sports is a big industry. The players get paid for their efforts, and the owners rake in the dough. It is no wonder that in order to survive and thrive in that industry, you have to have a strong competitive drive to stay above the waterline. A drive that pushes them to excel in what they do, and raise the bar higher and higher. Since this is such a large part of modern sports, you are constantly being reminded that they have this burning drive, this fire, that helps them succeed. A fire I have never really had.

For all of my adult life, I have dedicated a large chunk of my time to some form of martial arts or another. At first it was Shao-lin. As much as any martial art, it is about self defense, but for me it was also about pushing myself. Learning and growing as an individual and being physically active in the process. There was very little competition in our school beyond the occasional sparring match, which really didn’t require a lot of competitive spirit, seeing as how we rarely kept score. When I made the transition to fencing to help with my movement and footwork, I found myself in a sport that was all about 1 vs. 1 interaction. I could progress as fencer, learning new techniques, but at the end of the day, my success was measured on the strip.

I won’t say I was a prodigy at fencing, but my previous training and my natural ability did allow me to progress fairly far rather quickly. I continued to learn and grow as a fencer, and I even grew to enjoy the 1 on 1 of the sport. I read articles and books about how to push oneself to your limits, how to get into the competitive mindset, the one-mind, and I felt that I actually understood the basic premises covered therein. It all made sense and I constantly strived to perfect the techniques, so that my game could become the best that it could be.

But that was part of my problem. It was always about MY game. In kung-fu everything is very self-centered; it is all about learning how to control yourself, your body, and your mind. I always knew that my mentality on the strip was too self-centered, that if I didn’t win the bout, it was something I did, or the other fencer was just plain better. I felt that if I improved my game then next time I met that person on the strip, the better fencer would win. But even as I practiced the techniques and the physical actions, I continually met people who would tell me that I was technically the better fencer, but yet they would still trounce me when the time came to keep score. I recognized the fact that they had the “burning desire” to win, and that allowed them to step up their abilities and perform on a level higher than their pure technical skill allowed. Even as I recognized this fact, I accepted that I just didn’t have that burning desire to win, and I was happy with that. I work to better myself, and with enough practice I would be able to trump their enthusiasm with practiced skill.

Now we come to the present. This past week has been a crazy week. The stress was on at work at the beginning of last week, and as I approached the gym I knew that by physically exerting myself, I would be able to better control my stress levels, and with that thought in mind, I threw myself into my workout. I felt that the closer I came to physical exhaustion, the more mentally straight I became. Somehow I felt that this cleansing was but the first step on the road my self realization.

The week progressed as normal, but by the end of it I found myself in an all too familiar depression. When I was younger, I was always happy, I enjoyed every day of life, and lived it to the fullest. After a few events in my life showed me some of the darker aspects of life, I found that I would occasionally find myself in the midst of a depression. Nothing too bad and nothing that lasted for more than a few days, but these bouts still came far more often than I would have liked. I found that a majority of the time, these bouts were brought upon by money issues or lack of a relationship. The money problems have thankfully ended for the moment, and I hope that they are gone for many many moons to come, but the relationship issues continue to haunt me. The ins and outs are a matter for another entry in and of themselves, but needless to say that the fact that I have not had a date since I moved to California is pretty darn depressing, and we’ll leave it at that for now.

When ever I did get depressed, I would basically try to shut out the world as much as possible. Every little thing seemed to grate on my nerves, and I kept my mouth firmly shut lest I lash out at someone for doing something that wouldn’t even bother me on a better day. Typically during the day, I could lose myself in my work, forgetting my own problems, but once work ended they would come crashing back. At the fencing center, I would grunt my way through as many social interactions as possible and silently curse those tasks that built an invisible cage around me. Skipping those nights at the fencing center would have probably done wonders towards lightening my mood, but of course, being the guy that I am, I had to show up and help out. I couldn’t skip out of the center just because of some personal issues, so I would trudge along.

I would also avoid fencing during these times, as my fencing game would quickly spiral downward. I wouldn’t fence well because I was distracted and moody, and I would get even more moody and down on myself because I wasn’t fencing well. All in all it was a counter productive effort, and one that I would avoid. I would much prefer to lose myself in a game or a good book where I didn’t have to think about my life.

This past Friday was different though. In the midst of my depression, I decided that the one thing I needed to do, was work it out. So I took to the strip at the center, and faced each of my opponents with a recklessness that I have rarely shown or felt. I fenced not to win or better myself, but I fenced for own my mental stability. The results were astounding. Without the baggage of myself that I typically took to the strip, I was able to actually fence. I didn’t try to second guess my opponent and plan 4 steps ahead of myself till I found myself back at the same place I started from. Instead, I saw openings and I attacked. If I didn’t see an opening I forced my opponent to give me one. In the midst of it all, I felt a fire in my belly. I had no thoughts beyond the present, and the more I fenced, the hotter the fire burned. I made mistakes of course, but I didn’t let them stop me, I kept plowing through them and eventually came out the end of the night in a better spiritual state than I started.

As I drove home, I tumbled what I had learned around in my head. I do that sometimes, not actively analyzing it, but looking at the night from various views, and just sort of soaking up the results. I was hopeful that I was on to something, but I didn’t want to claim anything without working through it some more. This Sunday proved a good opportunity to test out what I had experienced. Since my depression was what sparked my original fire, I looked to that to rekindle it. It wasn’t that hard (still single.. that hadn’t changed), and I started my first bout of the day with a fire in my eye.

My first bout was with a teammate, and as much as I wanted to encourage him, I knew that if I went halfway, I would fail. My second bout was with a guy that I seen around the tournaments, but whom I had never talked to. We talked for a while and joked around before our match, but once I was back on the strip, I cleared everything from my mind and fed my fire. I cleared all my pool bouts undefeated. I was floating on air, every time I performed a move exactly as planned and received that reaction that I had planned for, I felt another piece of the puzzle click into place. If anyone has done anything to challenge themselves, I am sure they are aware of the click I am talking about. It is the click of understanding, or the click that what you know intellectually just made since on a more primal level. I clicked many times that day and on many levels.

The tournament started at 9am and at 5 we were still fencing the direct eliminations. I had battled my way to the round of 8 (the tournament started with 66 fencers), and I had started dragging on my previous bout. When I faced off against my next opponent, I found that I was totally overwhelmed. Why did I fail? Why did my new found fire smolder out against an opponent that I had never lost too? Part of the reason might have something to do with fact that I had NOTHING to eat the entire day. I had woken up late and I had not had time to grab a banana and meal replacement bar that was my typical fencing tournament fare. Due to the on and off again nature of the tournament, I never had time to break for lunch, and by 6pm I was running on fumes and I felt it to the core of my being. It also could have been that I psyched myself out for some reason. I am no stranger to that, but regardless of the reason, I still lost my drive as well as the bout. I still looked back over the days events, and was entirely proud of myself. I didn’t go all the way, but I feel that I had made progress on my mental game if nothing else.

Now I stand in the aftermath wondering how this new found fire will affect me. There are definitely downsides to it. I found that I was very irritable with others, and if a referee made a bad call, I was immediately voicing my opinion(s) to them. I even had to have my coach calm me down over a bad call that made no sense to me what so ever. I of course apologized to my opponents (and refs) at the end of the bout if I felt that it was appropriate, and there were no hard feelings, but still the fire not only burned in my stomach, but also in my blood.

When I saw the movie Wimbledon it immediately struck a cord in me. As a competitive fencer, I sympathized with how one bad mistake or wrong move could totally ruin your game and your confidence. Paul Bettany’s character meets Kirsten Dunst’s, and in the course of their relationship, he finds a new a confidence in himself and rediscovers the game that he had thought lost to him. As much as I identified with Paul’s character, it was Kristen’s character that seemed to come out in me on Sunday. Argumentative and caustic on the court, she explains that she has to be that way to play her best.

If it ended there, I could probably over look it all, but even after my loss on Sunday, I found that my fire was still burning. And the burning embers seemed to color view even today at work. Our department moved to a new building today, and in the course of the move, some of my items were lost. Normally this would hardly bother me. I would find a temporary chair to last till mine was discovered or replaced, and I would work with the one monitor I had, after all I didn’t HAVE to have two monitors. But today I found myself blowing up and cursing the movers for the first half of the day till things were sorted out. Every little thing that was wrong caused a new slew of explicatives to spew forth from my mouth.

Even though I feel that my loss of temper was not typically the way I would have handled the situation, I also wonder if this was not the more healthy way to go. Recognizing my feelings and even acting them out felt somehow right. It’s not like I was throwing stuff across the room or demanding to see the individual who was responsible for the mix up, I simply vented my frustration to those co-workers who happened to be (unlucky enough to be) around me at the time.

On some level it seems wrong that after such an outburst, I should feel even more peaceful and relaxed. I can still feel the fire burning in my gut, but I also feel a peacefulness that makes everything feel balanced out and even. As if I had made peace with myself on some level, and who knows, I maybe have. I have always tried to be the calm and tranquil river running through the forest. In all of the movies you see the reflective monks who have mastered themselves and who project their inner peace to others in an almost palpable sense. But now I wonder if not every aspect of their being is that calm, if they are only able to keep their composure because they recognize and acknowledge the fire that burns so brightly within them.

I don’t know, I but I feel that I still many things to explore down this path. I don’t know if it is ultimately the right path for me, but unless I try it, I will never know.

Music: Aqua – My Oh My